Valentine's Day: The Red Tyranny

As Valentine's Day approaches, I'd like to share a few "romantic" thoughts with you. These thoughts mostly center around the notion that Valentine's Day is a misguided, and somewhat disturbing holiday that, for one day, bifurcates American society in a way no other does. The "holiday" cuts it in half, between those who HAVE someone to celebrate it, and those who don't. But if we look a little more closely, love isn't what it used to be, or is Valentine's Day. And at least one - the day of love or the concept - will change.

Those who have someone on Valentine's Day indulge in a bunch of crazy love-centered behavior. For one thing, they begin by purchasing excessive amounts of crap and showering it on their "loved one." Here's an example of just how ridiculous it has become:





After showering some of the overflowing crap you see above on their "sweetie," they then make plans with them that - 364 days out of the year - they wouldn't think to do. This may include a fancy, expensive dinner, or a nice play. Perhaps a day trip somewhere. All very sweet ideas. All shallow ways of paying tribute to a relationship and feels most neglect otherwise. Finally, at the end of the evening, these people bump uglies. On this evening, each is expected to put on their best moves - a reminder of a time when they may have actually found each other attractive and interesting.

During such dinners and shows, the "rest of us" are forced to sit and listen to such baby talk as "who's my sexy baby waby." Or serious talk like "darling, I have loved you since the moment I met you." Or, for those who aren't talkers, the simple stand-by: "I love you." That phrase, on a broken record. Multiplied by hundreds of coupled people throughout the day, this phrase is overheard by the "rest of us."

In addition, we're forced to hear about your Valentine's Day plans. "Oh, Jim is taking me somewhere special tonight and we have something amazing planned," the love-struck person says. "Oh, and look at all these balloons and flowers I got! Isn't he the best," they say. Oh, yeah, they are so wonderful. By the way, can you move your goddamn balloons - I'm trying to work here.

I used to think that the person might actually notice that they are speaking to someone who doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but on further inspection, I realize that one of two things happens. Either it doesn't hit them that they are bragging to someone who is, on Valentine's day, alone and they continue to brag and brag and brag. And then, after dropping a big pink love bomb on the person, they just go about their merry way, hearts in their eyes, cupid wings taking them to a delusional place filled with amore. Or they do realize their bragging, and suddenly you hear "Oh, but it's not that big of a deal, I'm sure you'll meet someone soon." And then, awkwardly, they walk away - leaving you wondering WHY you suddenly feel horrible about your life and wanting to cut yourself.

We all know why we feel horrible about ourselves on Valentine's Day, the "rest of us." It's because, on this day, we are segregated. First, we feel awkward because the only way to celebrate is if you have someone to celebrate with. Then, we are made to feel awkward by horrible people who actually enjoy rubbing the day in our faces - the husbands and wives, the girlfriends and boyfriends, the partners. Sometimes it happens because our ears are raped as we listen to the endless bragging about their "honey and our special plans tonight." Sometimes it happens because we can't get around all the damn Valentine's Day paraphernalia. And not metaphorically, either; you can't tell me that someone isn't going to trip over that crap in those pictures above. It's just gobbed on everywhere and it's not there normally, so we know that, on this day, something is different.

And since we don't get any of the crap, we know that not only is the day different, but that "the rest of us" are too. For some reason, on this day, those of us that are alone feel "dirty" and "marked" while we are forced to watch others who are partnered participate in something that looks remarkably shallow. And we're expected to participate as well - not just as observers, but as worshipers. Even though we don't have a relationship and aren't in love, we are expected to idolize the "state of love" and defer on Valentine's Day to those who do. We are expected to fawn over your gifts and plans, and display jealousy over your relationship. Our suffering must be on display. "Aw shucks, Suzy, I wish I was as pretty/smart/outgoing/easy as you are so I had a boyfriend/girlfriend." And if we don't, we're not only one of the "rest of us," but we're then marked as actually being envious and bitter and...(wait for it)...

Sad!

This is the Red Tyranny at work: either we must strive to be with someone/anyone, or on Valentine's Day, we suffer - and if we don't fawn and suffer, we run the risk of being painted bitter and sad. And for all this hassle, we're not even getting chocolates or sex?!?

Barf. But not for the reasons you may think.

At one point or another, all of us have spent or will spend Valentine's Day alone. And I think it's important to remember that, truthfully, that is the natural state of things for the majority of people out there - to be alone on Valentine's Day. We're not born joined at the hip (some of us). For many years, we sleep alone. As we grow up, we still spend a good chunk of time non-partnered. Arranged marriages are a bit faux pas, so there is no guarantee that we'll ever find someone. And dating is becoming more complicated because of social networking and the Internet. I would also argue that dating and love relationships are becoming increasingly passe, because of the fast-pace of communication and the increasing narcissism of each succeeding generations. Love is becoming disposable and, perhaps, soon unnecessary. It's becoming a fad, soon to be quickly discarded like an old pair of Uggs or anything made by A&F in our fast-paced society

One might say that, in the face of this, Valentine's Day becomes more important. I say the opposite. I think it's important to treat Valentine's Day a little more like any other day. Why? Because it's easy for Valentine's Day to simply remind us that we are not alone and that someone loves us. In the cold, consumerist, sex-and-image driven society we live in, that's the fast and easy way to pay homage to relationships and love. That's the cheap emotional cue of the "holiday" - the thing that American Greetings and Whitman's Candy wants you to buy into. No real thought. No real investment. Introspection takes place quickly in a tacky greeting card overwrought with flowers and birds and pink on the cover - all for 3.99. No irony there that, after a few weeks, it gets thrown away by most. And let's not forget - flowers die and chocolates make us fat.

Instead, it's much harder to use Valentine's Day to remind us that some of us of where we came from, and how that compares to being in a relationship or love. To step back, by yourself, and remember what being "alone" is like and that it is natural state of things. In this remembrance of the "State of Alone," we can then have perspective on what it's like to be "with someone." The comparison should allow one to see how much they have changed as people, to accommodate that other special person in their life. It should allow them to see and value how much of an investment they have made in another person, and which has been made in them. After all, relationships and love require investments of time and psychic energy. That love is also a "verb," as well as a "noun" - relationships can be hard work. Only after this personal introspection can someone sit down with their loved one and decide what type of celebration best reflects their love. It may indeed be a grand supper and tons of balloons, but I'd bet that it's closer to a quiet supper and a gentle kiss and hug, with a decision to ensure that more days other than Valentine's Day include small reminders and displays of affection and love.

So on Valentine's Day, it shouldn't be about celebrating love in some grandiose manner, but about preparing to recommit yourselves to celebrating that love year round. First, by meditating alone, and then with your loved ones in ways that aren't stereotyped for the day and instead have real meaning to each other. And instead of squeezing a whole year's worth of love into one huge display on one day (and failing and annoying the "rest of us" in the process), one can spread it out a bit more and express it a little more substantively and sanely (and less annoyingly).

In closing, I am against a perverted, shallow, consumerist "holiday," and the segregation and bullying of those who can't or don't participate in a giant, lovely delusion. But I am not anti-Valentine's Day. But I think the day, as it currently stands, is bad for relationships, bad for love, and not particularly good for anything or anyone else (unless you're a candy or greeting card corporation). I think it has to change, or else it runs the risk of becoming like most other things Generation X, Y and Me grow tired of: discarded and forgotten. That's what happens when a tradition becomes a fad. However, this particular fad may have more of a repercussion when discarded: love (that closely related concept) risks becoming discarded as well. Love, already an endangered idea in an impatient, sex-driven culture, is already on the run. The fading and eventual loss of Valentine's Day may just be the final nail in the coffin.

So, I want to be clear here: while I am not anti-Valentines Day, I am now largely anti-love. I don't know that it has a place in my life at the moment. My desire for it is pretty low, and I feel as if I might be able to do without it. I think it would be a horrible distraction to a lot of other things I want to do with my life. Also, while I find a lot of men attractive and interesting, I don't see a lot of romance and passion from them - so why bother? If I'm already not that excitable, that is going to make it so much harder. And, by the way, I lied just a moment ago: I don't find a lot of men attractive or interesting. I'm actually quite unimpressed with most of them. But I felt like I had to throw a bone there before some people (like anyone reads this blog) get upset.

Yes, I know I'm no prize catch, but I'm pretty content with me. I guess you could say I'm beginning a new love affair with myself. So love is pretty much out of the question for me, because I feel like I'd have to break up with myself. And I know me: it would be a messy and dramatic breakup.

But I think do think love is good for others, and therefore I'd hate to see it go. It makes the rest of the people in this world considerably more tolerable - they seem to smile more, relax, and have more fun when they know someone is there for them. And if they need that to make themselves less annoying to me, I'm good with that, even if I choose not to participate.

So I think changing Valentine's Day into something more substantive will help revive love's appeal to new generations. So I raise a flag and draw a line for a fight that is not my own. For the lovers out there, and those of us who tolerate them, I say this:

"Save Valentine's Day - End the Red Tyranny."

As for me, I choose to remain single and free. I defy any man to attempt to claim me, because he will fail. My heart is unwinnable, because it already belongs to me. I am the only person I want. And on this Valentine's Day, I will meditate on how lucky I am to be alone, and then I will think about the wonderful relationship I have with myself. After that, I will take myself out for a nice meal, maybe buy myself a nice gift and give it to myself at dinner. Then I'll go out and buy myself a few drinks. Afterwards, I will take myself back for some hot, lustful, drunk sex - possibly with myself, but I won't rule out getting a little kinky and bringing another person in for Valentine's Day.

But, as soon as I'm finished, he's out of there. And he's not spending the night. Period.