Sunday, February 28, 2010

Winter Olympics 2010: Fare Thee Well

I have to say folks: I really enjoyed the Winter Olympics this year. The ski jumping was fun. I loved the figure skating. Kim Yu-Na was amazing! I don't know a darn thing about figure skating (and I'm gay, mind you) and even I could tell that it was a once in a lifetime performance.

I missed hockey which, frankly, was a shame. I like hockey. BUT I tackled cleaning my living room tonight, so I missed it. Darn.

The Winter Olympics this year was a comforting thing to watch as I went to bed; there were so many great events. I could study, and just put it on in the background for some rare, high-quality late night television. I can't wait for the Summer Olympics, because I have a lot of memories from childhood of warm, sticky evenings spent watching swimming or some such event with my dad or mom. The windows would be open, and we'd let the breeze fly through to cool us. And we'd lazily watch.

So, here the Winter Olympics are ending. And Canada, unlike China (at the last summer games), are going for the fun and comedy factor to close it out. And that's good, because I was sad with the quiet, somber "Olympic lights" show they did. Instead, they have a Broadway-type show going on, complete with inflatable beavers, William Shatner, Catherine O'Hara, and Michael Buble. Yes, folks, that's our Canada. God love 'em.

What would the world be like without Canada? It would be a boring, quiet, not-so-funny planet. Being a Michigander, I can say that more than a little of Canada's culture rubs off on us, and vice versa - and I appreciate how it has enriched me so. And so, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up:

The 2010 Winter Olympics, hosted by Vancouver and the great nation of Canada. "The Maple Leaf forever!" Congratulations, and great job!

(Now, it's time for a Labatt, eh?!)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Health Care Summit

So, I skipped Pilates today (SHOCK! I love Pilates) to stick around at home and watch the health care summit (and recover from an evening of revelry at 5801). In my effort to sober up this morning, and after turning on my computer to see what was going on with the outside world, I realized that the summit had already started - which bothered me because I really wanted to watch it today.

Tuning in a little late, I see that we're in the middle of the meat of the debate. I watched for awhile as the politico's took time talking about state's rights/federal power.

It's not supposed to be about scoring political points, but everything is really about that in life. I watched John McCain attempt to scorn the president (like some kind of granddad yelling at a neighborkid for peeing on his lawn) over bipartisanship and a lack of televised coverage on C-Span sooner. While the coverage cameras are on him. Doofus. So the president was almost forced to take his score on McCain saying "I won the election, if you want to fight that battle again, you're allowed, but exactly HOW do you want to work this bill out is what we're talking about right now." McCain says "Mr. President, I'm reminded I lost that election everyday."

Wow, McCain, really? You mean you think about the fact that you sucked as a candidate and now all you and your party do is play spoiler because you're envious and pissed off? No. You don't say.

You know, sometimes, I think John McCain really wasn't anything but a career politician who made NOT being a career politician and a "straight-talker" his mantra. The problem? Instead of throwing partisan bombs, he throws "bi-partisan" bombs that are used in a partisan Republican cause. Yeah, that's straight-talk.

And now Eric Cantor is on, from Ohio. There is something about this guy that is just weasily. I'm not sure what. Maybe it's the fact that he has gay hair. It's got a really high ridge on the front, and you could always surf on it. Definitely gay hair. Yeah.

That and the gay purple tie, and his little "political aide" (i.e., bottom slave) who has a matching tie, the same hair, and the same glasses, right behind him. Uber gay.

I'm Just Sayin': Carl Frederickson and Joe Paterno

So, I was looking at a picture of Joe Paterno today, as I sometimes do. lol. Don't ask why. I just think he's a funny looking guy. He reminds me of someone's granddad who walks around the house, paper in hand, in his t-shirt, asking his wife Essy "did the kids call? They never call."

It struck me that he looks an awful lot like the guy from "Up," the movie from Disney Pixar - Carl Frederickson. If you guys haven't seen up, you're really missing out. That's a great movie.

Now, I'm not the first person to think this, so I'm just going to post the other person's side by side picture. You'll see the link in the picture if you want to read his post. But here we go for my faithful but non-existent readers, I'll repost it.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Candidate for Gayest Moment Ever: My friend Carl...

was sewing at the gay bar tonight.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Saturday, February 20, 2010

From Pegasus to SUGAR: An Evolution of Gay Dance in Pittsburgh?

So, the gay nightlife in Pittsburgh is heating up just as the snow is melting. And thank god for both! I'm sick of digging my car out of the random icebergs that seem to form around it. I'm sick of using a garbage can to claim the parking spaces I dig out. Or how about the bitch session I got into with my 72-year-old neighbor who watched me dig out a parking space and then tried to move my garbage can and sneak her car in? Someone really got an earful that night!

(Okay, so it was me who got the earful, but I swear, I've never seen an old woman threaten to kick my ass before!)

I'm really still fuming over the fact that out of the two gray Ford Contours on my street, I dug out and nearly unburied the wrong one before realizing it wasn't mine. Ah, Pittsburgh winters - aren't they the best? It's almost enough to make a person long for a winter in a state that knows how to handle massive snowfalls and deadly ice, such as Michigan.

Clearly, since I'm longing for Michigan, I must be losing my mind. This may be due to the fact that I have been mostly snowed in and, like most Pittsburghers, have horrible cabin fever. Even now, with the snow melting a bit, I must leave sparingly because I may lose my parking spot. Of course, I could probably just steal another person's space, but now it's just the principle of the thing. I know that old lady is plotting to snatch my space. She glares at me when I walk to my car sometimes and, if you're quiet enough, you can hear faint yells of "bitch ass punk" carried on the cold breeze from her darkened porch.

Okay, so the cabin fever is clearly out of hand. I'm plotting against "Ethel" next door, and that can't end well for either of us. This clearly cannot continue. Soon, the ice must melt, and it will be time to party!

But where? That's my next predicament.

Pittsburgh has long been tagged as a "bar town" - the city of "a shot and a beer." In terms of the gay scene, it is no different. Across the wild homorific landscape here, you find a ton of great gay bars. Of course, I have my favorite gay bars here, which are mostly dependent on the day of the week and the crowd of people who come out. And, like all good homos, I do have one gay bar that I love more than any other. At all of these places, I have a great time. I see friends out, and drink some beers, and chat the night away. But the bar is always more about seeing people and being seen - interaction for the purpose of romantic sorting and gay social stratification. I like to call your standard gay bar an "S&M" bar - meaning "Stand and Model." In Pittsburgh, there are a ton of great places to do the "S&M" thing, and they are all really fun.

But, among all the gay establishments, one now notes the absence of an iconic gay dance venue. A place that is truly the "IT" place to be for dancing. There is clearly one (with a strong contender for second place) among the bars, but this not not the case for the dance scene. As a result, I've felt strongly that the market is demanding a breakthrough and iconic gay dance venue or event in here Pittsburgh.

I mean, don't get me wrong: I love being seen, and I especially love seeing some of you sexy beasts. But dancing is at the heart of what it means to be a gay man. Dancing, like fashion and humor, are expressions of our outrageous personalities, our need to rebel against convention, and our need to release from societal pressure with a healthy dose of clean (or dirty) fun.

Gay people were dancing at the Stonewall when it was raided. They were dancing when the party ended at Studio 54. They were there there during the Club Kid days at NYC when James St. James and Michael Alig were big (Party Monster, anyone?), and throughout the circuit movement created by Jeffrey Sanker which lasts well into today. And, frankly, I've always felt that until you rocked it out at "Splash" in New York City, "Gypsy" in Las Vegas, the old "Factory" in LA, or "Berlin" in Chicago, and then picked yourself up off the floor to go to an afterhours, you couldn't really call yourself an authentic gay man.

Even back home in Michigan (which, by the way, knows how to clear snow and ice so an iceberg doesn't form around Mr. Jason's car), dance clubs were the big thing as opposed to bars. You could find them in Grand Rapids, to Lansing, and all the way to Detroit (the birthplace of house music). Even in my tiny little hometown of Podunk, Michigan, we had a gay dance club. I mean, you could still drink at them, but nearly everyone was there to dance. Amazing but true!

My favorite dance venue was all the way across the state, though: it was called "The Nectarine." Nectarine had a variety of dance nights catering to different populations of people. These included an "Asian Invasion" night (no joke), an Alternative and Punk night, a college night, and so forth. But it's BIGGEST nights were two gay nights it hosted on Tuesdays and Saturdays. It featured the hottest remixes of pop and house dance tracks from DJ Roger and downstairs there was even a tiny little funk and house dance floor, which I was a regular fixture in. The club wasn't much to look at, but as an occasional visitor to Roger's booth high above the dance floor, one could see that it was always packed and people were always having a great time. So, from tender age of 18, most of Mr. Jason's formative years were spent between the upstairs and downstairs of The Nectarine until 2:00 AM, followed by someone hosting a shady afterhours party in Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti or Detroit, and (starting at age 21) recovering the next day until noon.

But going back even further, the very first gay dance club I ever went to was (surprise, surprise) "Pegasus!" Once upon a time, I visited a friend in Pittsburgh at an even younger age, and managed to get myself snuck into the dance venue. Of course, I was nowhere near legal and the person who got me in could have ended up in real trouble if I was caught. So I was given strict instructions to stay behind the fence, where the young underagers were allowed to dance and roam free, as we were gazed upon by the over 21 crowd like some kind of wild animals. And wild we were. I saw sweaty gay men dance in tune to the rhythm of heavy pop beats, with smiles on their faces, exerting their bodies alternating between frenzies and slow movements. Some danced with other gay men, holding and touching; others, like me, danced alone. Though that night inside the dance cage was clearly forgettable for everyone else, it was the first time I danced at a gay club - and I fell in love.

So, fast forward to today. It just so happens that lil' old small-town (yeah, right) me is back in Pittsburgh! But Pegasus has recently left us, and a giant hole has opened in the heart of gaydom where that venerable dance club used to be. Yeah, Pegasus was many considered by many to be a shitbox (undeservingly, I might add), but it was our (my) shitbox. There certainly was room for improvement even while Pegasus was open and, frankly, even then there was room for a competitor to open something truly spectacular and pick the old girl off. But that never happened, and Pegasus was the closest thing to an "IT" dance place there was.

And since it closed, gay dance in Pittsburgh just hasn't been the same without it. Promoters and club owners have made a very valiant and honest attempt to fill the void with something even better than before. Words such as "Las Vegas-style" dance venue have been batted around; elite status; bottle service; hot dance; go-go! Like so much porn, we read these words and hope for the gay dance money shot - but nothing has quite "popped the proverbial cork" YET. I stress the word yet, because many of these efforts are still underway and there are a lot of hopeful prospects.

But I recently had heard that something big was opening up in Pittsburgh in terms of a gay dance venue. Supposedly, the new event is called "SUGAR," but beyond finding out the name of the event, I didn't explore too much. I think I was buzzed when I heard about it. But I also remember thinking that it couldn't be too serious, simply because of the timing. "Heat" and "Blowpop" really were on an all out blitz with advertising and promotion, and seemed to be eating up a lot of the attention. It almost felt as if someone would be crazy to try to do another gay dance night in such a competitive climate. In my rum and diet-coke induced avarice, I think I dismissed it as a rumor.

Anyway, at some point over the next few days, I must have sobered up enough to remember SUGAR when I saw a link to it on someone's Facebook. I clicked over, then found a website, but again half figured it would be another "unpopped cork". The site promised all the same things we've heard recently from the other attempts at gay dance in Pittsburgh: elite, gay, dance, hot, VIP, and so forth. But I have to admit, it didn't look half-bad! I especially enjoyed the club mixed rendition of "Sugar" by the classic Motown group "The Archies". It was a happy-house mix, clearly inspired by pop - and as we all know, I'm a whore for anything (or anyone) invoking pop. So my interest was piqued, if only for the catchy tune up front, but I remained skeptical and unconvinced it would be worthy of further attention.

Then my friend Michael (quite possibly the new Don Giovanni of Pittsburgh's gay club scene) started promoting SUGAR on Facebook. Mike is an interesting fella, if you ever get the chance to know him. He actually has over 1000 friends on Facebook, and I believe he actually might be real friends with all of them - as opposed to me, who has people on his Facebook who I'm not sure I even know or have met (see my earlier posts about this). It's not that I'm anti-social or anything. I just think Mike has a longer attention span to manage all those people than I have.

But in the relatively short time I've interacted with him, while he's always been a thoroughly outgoing and friendly person, he's also never been one to pull punches about what he thought. Hell, he's even called me a bitch to my face a couple times. And he's right - I kind of am! But he always said it in the friendliest way possible, which was kind of him. So all that coupled with the fact that Mike, in some ways, reminds me of the experienced (read: old) "Club Kid Jason" propelled me to investigate a little further. With my interest level now somewhere between piqued and intellectually curious, I shot over an email to the SUGAR Website to see if they would be willing to answer a few questions.

Now, before everyone thinks I did this as a public service to all of you (non-existent) readers, I want to be clear: I did this out of my own purely self serving interest. As you all know, I'm clearly in love with myself (and only myself). I explore and write about things because I want to, and I happen to take (drag) all of you along with me on my merry (hellbent) way. In this case, I explore because I'm cheap and stingy with my time. With all the new venues and gay dance nights debuting recently and in the near future, I thought maybe it was worth finding out a little more before I just start planning my party nights and dropping my almighty and fabulous gay dollar on them. So, it's really a matter of saving me time and money; you just happen to save time and money as a byproduct.

And if I want to save even more of my (our) time and money, it's better to just get our (my) questions answered directly. It's one thing to speak to the public through a press release and ads in a gay rag, but a completely different beast to answer questions directly from the homo's mouth. After all, us gay men naturally know when we are being bullshitted - just ask any homo who's ever caught his boyfriend in bed with the neighbor guy and heard "I fell on the ice outside and he was just cracking my back" when put on the spot. I can personally vouch that bullshit never works. I've tried it.

Anyway, I digress. I honestly didn't expect a reply back but, by golly, what do you know? THEY REPLIED! Not only were they happy to answer questions, but they took the time to write out thoughtful responses. And since I always appreciate thoughtfulness, I've decided to reward them by pretty much just cutting and pasting their responses directly to another post within my blog.

As I close this prelude out, I feel I must say this: I know I'm not the only one who remembers the fun times spent dancing the night away, whether it be at Pegasus or some of the other venues we've all been to over time or in other places. I think there is something cathartic about letting it all out on a dance floor, or even just standing there lightly bobbing while you connect to a song you really love, and I think many of us miss that. I know Pegasus is still open and only moved, and there is still the afterhours place, and there's the new place that opened - and each of them do their own little niche really well. But none of these environments (so far) have felt quite "right," like they aren't the total package (yet).

At this moment, I think many of us feel there is no place for us to get wild, go crazy, and work off all the energy, care, and frustrations we experience in our own special, fabulous, (and somewhat edgy) ways. I also think that many of us feel like there is no grand dance venue or big dance night where we can go and connect with other gay men in a completely comfortable and welcoming atmosphere; where we can hold hands, touch, and kiss while we dance. And, of course, I always feel there is NEVER ENOUGH DANCE, HOUSE, AND POP! Bring on the Gaga, and let the chips fall where they may!

So, whether it's "SUGAR" or someone else, this is the word on the subject as far as I'm concerned:

I don't care WHO does it.

I don't care HOW it gets done.

But will someone, for God's sake, please make a big happy place for us homos to play already?

We're getting frustrated out here! Like all dogs who have been cooped up in the house for too long, all we want is a trip to the playground and a little pat on the tail. But if you don't let us out soon, the consequence is clear: we're going to start dragging our butts across the floor, chewing up your socks and underwear, and humping anything that moves.

*Ahem*. Well, okay - some of us are already doing these things, but I think you get my point.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I see a certain 72-year-old woman edging towards my garbage can. I think she's been making plans to hide the sucker from me. I already found a dent in it, probably from that giant beastmobile she calls a Cadillac. Clearly, Ethel and I are going to have to have some words now.

And if anyone wants to reach me, I'll be at Shadyside Hospital ER within the hour.

The "SUGAR" Q&A. Enjoy!

The SUGAR Q&A: Sugar Sweet? We'll Find Out Soon Enough!

Here's the Q&A with the persons behind SUGAR. Enjoy!

JASON: So, is SUGAR a party night at a straight club, or a gay club? And just who owns the club? And what is their relationship to the gay community?

SUGAR: SUGAR takes place Thursday evenings at WHIM at Station Square, which is not a gay club in a traditional sense. The owner has held several events with the boys of G2H2 to rave reviews from those who have attended. The purpose of SUGAR is to open a world class nightclub and give the gay community a place to dance the night away.

JASON: Who are the promoters of SUGAR? Who’s idea was it, and how long has it been in the works?

SUGAR: The people promoting are Ron DeMino of G2H2, and Ken Huntly of AK Productions. The idea came about through various discussions between various parties of finding a way to give the gay community in Pittsburgh a top notch facility to dance and party that we felt had been missing for some time. SUGAR has been in discussion for several months.

JASON: What is the experience of the promoters in doing this type of event?

SUGAR: Both Ron and Ken have extensive experience in club, event and party planning which has been invaluable in putting SUGAR together.

JASON: Are there any LGBT persons on staff?

SUGAR: There will be several LGBT persons on staff during SUGAR in addition to Ron and Ken being present, who are both members of the community.

JASON: What will be the theme of the evening? What are the club influences?

SUGAR: There is no set theme for SUGAR and we hope the influences continue to evolve over time with whats happening globally both in terms of music and gay events. For the first time, we hope to truly bring a big city club experience to Pittsburgh. That's not just limited to those of NYC and LA, but the hottest international clubs and musical experiences as well.

JASON: What style of music will be playing and who will be the featured DJ's?

SUGAR: Again, we hope to bring not only the hottest club songs currently being heard, but those from renowned DJ's around the world. Our goal is give the gay community a musical and club experience never seen or heard before in a gay Pittsburgh venue.

JASON: Who should attend a night at SUGAR?

SUGAR: We want anyone who loves big city clubs, the hottest dance tracks, and a world class club that welcomes all gay and gay-friendly people! That can be anyone from 18 to 80. The only requirement is the desire to socialize, dance, and have an open mind.

JASON: Speaking of age, if you’re allowing 18 and up, how are you handling the alcohol situation?

SUGAR: We will mark or provide a drinking bracelet to our over 21 patrons. In addition, the club employs a highly trained and professional bar and security staff that will be responsible for maintaining the rules of the club and the letter of the law.

JASON: What can people expect on the opening evening? What will the club look like? Anything special or surprise guests?

SUGAR: We want our March 4 premier to be about several things. A world class venue the likes of which Pittsburgh's gay community has never had before, experiencing the hottest club music from all corners of the world that will set SUGAR apart from the competition, and bringing all ages of our community together for a party night that will rival any other in the city - straight or gay. We want SUGAR to be about the experience. And while we have ideas in the works for some top notch parties and performances, we prefer to let SUGAR speak for itself without the distraction of a lot of bells and whistles that can take away from what is truly magical about the club experience we are aiming to provide.

JASON: Can you describe your VIP services?

SUGAR: Details are being worked out for event specific VIP service. For our March 4 premier, there will be no specific area for "VIP" or - as we like call it - "SIP," which stands for "Sweetly Important People." We think the club and the night will make everyone feel like they are SIP's and we want everyone to enjoy themselves as such.

JASON: Finally, there are special issues with having such an event in Southside. How is parking being handled?

SUGAR: We have been granted discounted parking of $3 in the secured lot directly adjacent to SUGAR's location at WHIM.

JASON: Also, I believe this will be the first regular gay-specific party or club sponsored in South Side, with the exception of the G2H2 event. The area is known for being a party-hearty area, primarily catering to straight crowds. Can gay patrons expect a welcoming atmosphere in the South Side?

SUGAR: I think G2H2 is a perfect example of how far we have come, specifically in places like the South Side. We do not expect or anticipate any issues with having SUGAR at Station Square, but are happy to report the the staff and security are professional and well trained and will do everything to make sure SUGAR patrons have an unparalleled experience on Thursday nights.

We hope you'll come out and join us March 4. We are really trying to provide something that we feel is missing in Pittsburgh and hope the community comes out to celebrate and participate in that.

JASON: Thanks for answering my questions, SUGAR. I'm certain everyone is looking forward to seeing what you guys have put together for the LGBT community and their friends here in the 'Burgh. I hope it's a smashing success! In the meantime, with all this SUGAR talk, I suddenly have a huge hankering for a giant grape flavored Pixy Stick and some Kool Aid! Off to Rite Aid I go!


SUGAR at WHIM Station Square

http://www.sugarpittsburgh.com.
Premiers March 4th, 2010. Doors open at 9pm. 18 and up are welcome, but must be 21 and up to drink. Cover is $7 at the door, or $5 with the special SUGARCube Promo Program (see website for details).
WHIM is located at
7 East Carson Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15219

Ph: 412.281.9888 for WHIM
Ph: 412.915.5073 for WHIM Bottle Service.
For questions specifically about the SUGAR event, consider using the Contact Page on the SUGAR website.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

This model isn't even trying

Wow. I mean, even Kate Moss knew to cover up her little habit. Geez!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Sunday, February 14, 2010

These balloons are a choking hazard.

The Red Tyranny continues, but I think I could get an injury lawsuit out of it.

Down with love. Reform Valentine's Day. In the meantime, anyone got a number for a good attorney?
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Friday, February 12, 2010

"Hey man, John Mayer wants to explain himself to us. Do you have any earplugs man?"

The trainwreck that is the tediously immature John Mayer continues. Apparently, somewhere along the way, he forgot that people come to his concerts to hear him play guitar and sing, not squawk like a chicken and apologize. I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of some kind of "apology" tour, like Hillary Clinton's listening tour when she ran for Senate in 2000. You know, where Mayer opens up the "depths of his soul" (about 2", by the way) and explains himself to his screaming masses. Of course, the carnage would be more than any venue could handle, as people tear their ears off and claw at the doors trying to escape until their fingers bled. Even Hillary Clinton didn't have that effect - even in her worst pant suit.

So, without further ado, I subject you to yet another round of Mayervision, in full stereo sound. If he weren't so young, dumb, and full of...pizazz, I probably wouldn't post this. And I'm not sure Jen didn't get the better end of the deal in this breakup, if this is what she had to put up with during "the romantic moments." Anyway, Enjoy! Please direct hate email and the shipping of dead fish to Boltco Headquarters; feel free to Google for the address.

A Good List of Personality Traits

Pretty interesting - I like this list. It has an old fashioned bent to it. Which traits do you think are your strong points?

Personality Traits at Yahoo! Shine.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

SECOND Quote of the Week!

From the same film, "I Hate Valentine's Day."

John Corbett wants to be with Nia Vardalos, despite ending their relationship after 5 dates and keeping it casual. He has now gotten done with an evening with a toolbag friend and a couple bimbos, and is heading into his apartment - thinking about Nia and wanting to call her. A proud, black woman walking her dog passes by, seeing him playing with his phone with a thoughtful look on his face. Stoically, she engages him while walking.

---Begin Scene---

PBW (Proud Black Woman): "Make that booty call."

John Corbett: "No, honey, my bowels are complicated. Life is simple. Call her."

---END SCENE---

How true.

By the way, I think Nia Vardalos is going for a very John Waters feel in her films. But from an independent film, rom/com perspective.

Quote(s) of the Week

From Nia Vardalos and John Corbett's "I Hate Valentine's Day." John Corbett (who is really always Aidan from "Sex and the City," but who's counting) has just been dumped by his flight attendant girlfriend after bringing her flowers and catching her in bed with someone else. Nia is boosting his self-esteem, telling him he's going to meet someone new instead.

---BEGIN SCENE---

John Corbett: "No, I'm off relationships."

Nia: "Fantastic! You'll be so much happier."

John Corbett: "Oh, okay. You're not gonna say that thing that women always say, which is that I haven't found the right one yet."

Nia: "No. I don't believe there's just one person."

John Corbett: "What?"

Nia: "I don't believe people are meant to be in relationships."

John Corbett: "What!?"

Nia: "Yeah, we should just have fun, and when the romance is gone - move on."

John Corbett: "Well, how long does that last?"

Nia: "Five dates, to be exact."

John Corbett: "That is exact."

Nia: "Five dates happens to be the perfect amount of time to achieve maximum fun with no pain. No expectation equals no disappointment. It's just fun, and there are no rules."

John Corbett: "No rules?"

Nia: "No rules. And you know what? In relationships, that's all there are. You know, one person wants more, the other person wants less, and then they act out, cheat, come back, stay out of guilt. Oops, now someone's pregnant! All of a sudden you're married and you hate each other. Dating is just so much more romantic."

John Corbett: "So you love romance, but not relationships?"

Nia: "Well, what's to love about something that only brings unhappiness?"

John Corbett (and here's where I used to really feel his confusion, by the way - kind of like a dog staring at you with a shiny object): "It's just - it's not natural."

Nia (deftly, with a response that couldn't have come better from my own mouth): "Do you know any happy couples?"

John Corbett: "All the time? No, but.."

Nia, spoken with righteous indignation and a little bit of a smirk: "I am happy all the time." And walks away.

CUT TO SCENE: John Corbett is walking with his douchebag, tool friend along the Hudson River, chatting about Nia's schooling on relationships and romance.

Toolbag Friend: "Oh, that's hot! Is she hot?! Ah, it doesn't matter. Her attitude is hot. She could have three eyes and two butts and a tooth, and I'd do her."

---END---

Nia Vardalos, you are my Goddess! Watch the trailer, for an especially hilarious moment when puppy dog stupid Aidan...er...John Corbett makes his first attempt to ask out freespirit Nia. It involves her pinching his face to make a very good point about the perception that not being available for relationships does not make one easy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I just can't resist...John Mayer.

First off, I apologize for my absence. I'm working on a blog post about snowmaggedon as we speak. But suffice it to say that I've had 3 days off work, will have a half day tomorrow, and I mostly sat on my ass and caught up on stuff.

Now, on to bigger fish to fry. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you John Mayer - douchebag supreme.

I'm going to skip over the fact that he used the "n" word in the interview, talking about how he may or may not be "street" enough to have a "hood pass." You know, because he's a pale-white mainstream babyfaced male rocker, and you know how the brothas love them.

I'm going to skip over the fact that, in one interview, he manages to make himself some kind of sexual god because he bagged Jessica Simpson - the sexual leavings of Nick Lachey and Tony Romo. Don't get me wrong, Jess is pretty, but she lost me at "Chicken of the Sea." She doesn't exactly strike me as a hard lay to land.

I'm also going to skip over the fact that he clearly has an addiction to porn, saying that he sees over 300 vaginas before he finds one to pop one off to - and THEN chooses to fantasize about past relationships because current vaginas and girlfriends don't satisfy him. Talk about a waste of time.

I'm also not going to talk about how, in the same interview, he then casts himself as soulful and intellectualizing, taking the time to brag about how much he loves talking all night with a girl only to have her experience an epiphany about him, saying "boy, I never thought I was going to like you so much."

No, I'm not going to talk about all these affronts to the sensibility.

Instead, I'm going to share this snippet with you, and then send a link over if you are a glutton for punishment and want to take a closer look. It's John Mayer talking about Jennifer Aniston - she of the "Friendly Following." America's new sweetheart (after Meg Ryan went crazy with the lip injections). She, of the interminably bad taste in men (John Mayer, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn), who braves on.

From John's stupid mouth:

"PLAYBOY: You’ve rarely talked about Aniston. She has rarely talked about you.

MAYER: We just have a regard for each other’s feelings that is pretty intense. It’s been a deep relationship, and it’s no longer taking place at all. Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?

PLAYBOY: Did you send Aniston a copy of the CD after it was done?

MAYER: No.

PLAYBOY: Maybe she’ll download it from BitTorrent.

MAYER: If Jennifer Aniston knows how to use BitTorrent I’ll eat my fucking shoe. One of the most significant differences between us was that I was tweeting. There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, “These are the new rules.”

PLAYBOY: You mean the rules of celebrity have changed since Friends made her a star?

MAYER: I said, “Tom Cruise put on a fat suit.” That pretty much sums up the past decade: Tom Cruise with a comb-over, dancing to Flo Rida in Tropic Thunder. And the world went, “Welcome back, Tom Cruise.”

PLAYBOY: What’s the moral there?

MAYER: You have to show that you don’t take yourself seriously. Once you do that, people will say you’re cool: “You know what? I gotta say I never liked him until he made fun of himself, and now I like him.”

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me."

Here's the link: Playboy Interview.

Just after that, he makes his little mistake regarding the "n" word that got him into trouble. But as you can see, he was really on a roll before that. Maybe his riff on life was like an ice cream sundae (no pun intended). He just kept piling on scoop after scoop of bullshit, and then added on some yummy word toppings. He added some nuts (misogyny), strawberry syrup (false angst), caramel sauce (ageism), and then whipped cream (pervy jerk off talk). And then, sensing that his pile of true verbal diarrhea fashioned as pop culture creaminess was not quite complete, had to top it off with a racial slur. I mean, when all you can do is talk and talk, saying dumber and dumber things to get attention, what else could you do? Talk about puppies?

I guess the interview speaks for itself, but I want to say one thing before I let you stab your own eyes out reading it. If John Mayer sees the world as those who KNOW how to use BitTorrent and Twitter, and those who do not, he's in for a surprise. If he also sees the world as those who cater to the new TMZ/Perez Hilton/celebutante culture, and those who do not, he's in for a BIG surprise. And if the reason he dumped Jennifer Aniston was because her success came at a time when modes of media were more direct and mainstream, and less viral, then he's in for an even BIGGER surprise.

The surprise, you ask? Well, he thinks these are "The New Rules" for living in today's age. He thinks Aniston desperately wants to go back to 1998, to relive some level of fame or success that she had at the supposed height of her career. And while that's just so arrogant and assumptive on his part, it's also telling more about him than Aniston. It says that he doesn't define himself as a person, but instead defines himself how enshrined in today's "celeb-retardation" and "hyperactivity/frenzy" he can make himself. He's confusing "The New Rules" for achieving fame - which are really just rules for gaining attention while participating in self-indulgence all without taking real personal risk - as opposed to rules for living an authentic life.

The surprise is this: for someone who wants love and a relationship and a "vagina to pitch a tent under" (shudder), he doesn't have the personality for it. And he doesn't even realize it. When someone makes a decision to end a relationship because the substantive quality of their fame is pre-Twitter, that signifies a pure immaturity and mistaken lifestyle that may be too much for him to overcome or for anyone with an intellect to stand. What's sadder? I think he thinks all his bullshit is really smart, but the truth is - it's no different than a child coming up with reasons why the spilt milk isn't his fault. No perspective.

I don't know about you, but the guy is clearly pretty much only good for a lay. He's hot, has nice tattoos, and I'm sure he probably has some really great moves in bed he's perfected (he seems like the type who would do that). He practically SCREAMS "himbo!"

But as far as more? Even I would dump him after the first few go around's. Of course, I might snag a couple nice vacations and some cool swag first. Maybe get him to buy me a nice car, maybe a condo. But dump him I definitely would, probably just as Aniston did. It's nice she tried to teach him a few of the lessons she's learned in life, but clearly he needs a lesson in humility that neither of us would have the patience to teach. But damn, he's pretty to look at - so why not enjoy, eh Jen?

Anyway, to close this out, here's a picture of Mayer showing that it's entirely possible that I will get my chance to dump him. If this doesn't belie some type of homosexuality, I don't know what does. Enjoy!







Sunday, February 7, 2010

Saints Win!

Yay! Saints win!!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Friday, February 5, 2010

Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

In a hypothetical fight between aluminum foil and plastic wrap, which do you think would win? I personally am an aluminum foil man for a variety of reasons. If you don't mind, I think I'll share with you just a collection of the myriad of reasons why.

First, it's easy to mould to the opening of whatever container I am missing a lid for (hence why Ziplock disposable containers don't have a dog in this fight). Plus, it holds it's shape really well. If you have an oddly shaped food, such as a 20 pound turkey or cake shaped like the Empire State Building, you can sculpt a custom shaped protective shell which shall protect against bacteria and viruses of all types. And accidental roommate food incursions, such as an errant drumstick which attempts to roll off a plate and into your jello mold, will be repelled back instantly.

In addition, it's useful for cooking things - such as wrapping corn when baking it in the oven, or lining a cookie sheet when making french fries. Or covering a lovely mulligatawny casserole. And it doesn't even get HOT when you cook with it. 'Tis truly the DEVIL'S magic at work there! 'Tis!

Plus, it's really cool to make hats and other awesome men's wear with. I once made a whole suit-of-armor - complete with viking hat and battle axe - from Reynold's Wrap. Um, like, when I was a kid, not recently. Yeah. That's right! When I was a kid. And no pillow fort was involved.

But it does have its drawbacks. I'm not sure why, but while it does hold its shape, it doesn't stiffen up enough to remain in place. When you cover a bowl or plate, and put it in the fridge, it looks like the foil is securely in place. Yet, if you put something next to it that even grazes the foil, it flies off - with the food covered wet and sticky side plastered to the floor. Very annoying.

Plus, there is something about touching aluminum foil. It's light, but it's metal. It crumbles in your hand. And the noise it makes when you play with it - it kind of sounds like a rapier being waved around in the wind. It produces the same shivers that fingernails on a chalkboard does. And have you ever accidentally missed a piece of foil in some food and taken a little nibble?!? YIKES!

Oh, and for your Al Gore types out there: apparently, aluminum foil is recyclable! I mean, I already use the foil from baking my fries to cover them up in the fridge, but this is beyond that. You can actually take discarded foil and make it into other stuff! Wow! I didn't know that, as I have been throwing it away - and probably poisoning a lake or something in the process, or strangling some kind of fish. Wait, that's not right. Can a carp get tangled up in a discarded viking hat made up of foil wrap? Or is that those plastic six-pack rings? I dunno. I'm not a tree hugger.

Plastic wrap has its proponents, I'm sure. I'm all for the fact that it clings to the outside of a container, creating a nearly unbreakable hermetic static seal preventing air from entering and liquids, foods, and mushes of all kinds from escaping. This means that when I put something NEXT to the plastic covered bowl, the wrap doesn't fly off. I also think plastic wrap does a better job of preventing smells from escaping, especially helpful around shrimp taco night.

But here's where it loses me. For one thing, once plastic wrap gets caught up in itself, it's a lost cause. We've all been there. We're trying to rip off one decent sized piece of wrap, and we pull against that damn serrated edge on the box and it does nothing. Well, nothing except bunch up the wrap and give us a nice deep cut on our finger. So we just end up ripping the damn stuff in no particular shape or size, usually coming up just a bit short of what we need. So we have to go through the whole thing again, complete with re-bunching and re-cutting.

And, apparently, plastic wrap isn't recyclable. Again, not that I care, but because its a petroleum based product, it is not easily broken down. Then again, come to think of it, is it really wise to be covering your food in a product made from the same chemical base as gasoline? Hmm...

So, that's why if I had to choose who to put my money on in a kitchen product battle royale, I'd put it on aluminum foil. "It's the easy way to save money while keeping your kitchen clean," per the Reynold's Wrap company. It's great for making Viking hats AND corn-on-the-cob!

Obama uses aluminum foil; his daughter Sasha was born on a bed of it and she's probably going to be a doctor or president or castmember on Jersey Shore or something. Air Force One is made of aluminum foil, and look how that plane kicked ass in the Harrison Ford movie.

Aluminum foil is also the way of the future and way to salvation. God wants you to use aluminum foil. Aluminum foil is the way all god fearing American's should live, if they plan on going to heaven. Like I've always said, it's all about the God, the Gays, the Guns, and the aluminum foil.

(I've always said that. You can look it up. Go ahead. No, Sarah Palin didn't say it. Shut up!)

And, not to sway you or anything, but Al Qaida probably uses plastic wrap. And we're living in an Code Orange era, people. We're talking terrorism! Right now, Osama Bin Laden is in a cave somewhere performing some perverse masturbatory ritual on himself with plastic wrap. Probably something involving asphyxiation and tying his beard in a knot! Yep, that's right. Terrorism, folks. You're inviting terrorism into our country and into our homes if you use plastic wrap. For God's sake, think of the children.

In closing, I think we all know what I'm really trying to say here. And if you're not sure, then I can't tell you. But I like to think I've given you a little something to think about today. And that what I've imparted to you has improved you as a human being, and added to your being in an organic and holistic manner.

If you come away with nothing else today, remember this: Vote Yes on Tuesday for Aluminum Foil, and No on Plastic Wrap. And, as usual, ignore the third party running for office - wax paper. No one knows what the hell that shit is for.

Where was I going with this? I think I need a nap. I think I blew a gasket after hour 20 studying for an exam. G'night.

*Note: This blog is copyright property of Boltco, now a wholly owned subsidiary of Reynolds Consumer Products.*

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Valentine's Day: The Red Tyranny

As Valentine's Day approaches, I'd like to share a few "romantic" thoughts with you. These thoughts mostly center around the notion that Valentine's Day is a misguided, and somewhat disturbing holiday that, for one day, bifurcates American society in a way no other does. The "holiday" cuts it in half, between those who HAVE someone to celebrate it, and those who don't. But if we look a little more closely, love isn't what it used to be, or is Valentine's Day. And at least one - the day of love or the concept - will change.

Those who have someone on Valentine's Day indulge in a bunch of crazy love-centered behavior. For one thing, they begin by purchasing excessive amounts of crap and showering it on their "loved one." Here's an example of just how ridiculous it has become:





After showering some of the overflowing crap you see above on their "sweetie," they then make plans with them that - 364 days out of the year - they wouldn't think to do. This may include a fancy, expensive dinner, or a nice play. Perhaps a day trip somewhere. All very sweet ideas. All shallow ways of paying tribute to a relationship and feels most neglect otherwise. Finally, at the end of the evening, these people bump uglies. On this evening, each is expected to put on their best moves - a reminder of a time when they may have actually found each other attractive and interesting.

During such dinners and shows, the "rest of us" are forced to sit and listen to such baby talk as "who's my sexy baby waby." Or serious talk like "darling, I have loved you since the moment I met you." Or, for those who aren't talkers, the simple stand-by: "I love you." That phrase, on a broken record. Multiplied by hundreds of coupled people throughout the day, this phrase is overheard by the "rest of us."

In addition, we're forced to hear about your Valentine's Day plans. "Oh, Jim is taking me somewhere special tonight and we have something amazing planned," the love-struck person says. "Oh, and look at all these balloons and flowers I got! Isn't he the best," they say. Oh, yeah, they are so wonderful. By the way, can you move your goddamn balloons - I'm trying to work here.

I used to think that the person might actually notice that they are speaking to someone who doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but on further inspection, I realize that one of two things happens. Either it doesn't hit them that they are bragging to someone who is, on Valentine's day, alone and they continue to brag and brag and brag. And then, after dropping a big pink love bomb on the person, they just go about their merry way, hearts in their eyes, cupid wings taking them to a delusional place filled with amore. Or they do realize their bragging, and suddenly you hear "Oh, but it's not that big of a deal, I'm sure you'll meet someone soon." And then, awkwardly, they walk away - leaving you wondering WHY you suddenly feel horrible about your life and wanting to cut yourself.

We all know why we feel horrible about ourselves on Valentine's Day, the "rest of us." It's because, on this day, we are segregated. First, we feel awkward because the only way to celebrate is if you have someone to celebrate with. Then, we are made to feel awkward by horrible people who actually enjoy rubbing the day in our faces - the husbands and wives, the girlfriends and boyfriends, the partners. Sometimes it happens because our ears are raped as we listen to the endless bragging about their "honey and our special plans tonight." Sometimes it happens because we can't get around all the damn Valentine's Day paraphernalia. And not metaphorically, either; you can't tell me that someone isn't going to trip over that crap in those pictures above. It's just gobbed on everywhere and it's not there normally, so we know that, on this day, something is different.

And since we don't get any of the crap, we know that not only is the day different, but that "the rest of us" are too. For some reason, on this day, those of us that are alone feel "dirty" and "marked" while we are forced to watch others who are partnered participate in something that looks remarkably shallow. And we're expected to participate as well - not just as observers, but as worshipers. Even though we don't have a relationship and aren't in love, we are expected to idolize the "state of love" and defer on Valentine's Day to those who do. We are expected to fawn over your gifts and plans, and display jealousy over your relationship. Our suffering must be on display. "Aw shucks, Suzy, I wish I was as pretty/smart/outgoing/easy as you are so I had a boyfriend/girlfriend." And if we don't, we're not only one of the "rest of us," but we're then marked as actually being envious and bitter and...(wait for it)...

Sad!

This is the Red Tyranny at work: either we must strive to be with someone/anyone, or on Valentine's Day, we suffer - and if we don't fawn and suffer, we run the risk of being painted bitter and sad. And for all this hassle, we're not even getting chocolates or sex?!?

Barf. But not for the reasons you may think.

At one point or another, all of us have spent or will spend Valentine's Day alone. And I think it's important to remember that, truthfully, that is the natural state of things for the majority of people out there - to be alone on Valentine's Day. We're not born joined at the hip (some of us). For many years, we sleep alone. As we grow up, we still spend a good chunk of time non-partnered. Arranged marriages are a bit faux pas, so there is no guarantee that we'll ever find someone. And dating is becoming more complicated because of social networking and the Internet. I would also argue that dating and love relationships are becoming increasingly passe, because of the fast-pace of communication and the increasing narcissism of each succeeding generations. Love is becoming disposable and, perhaps, soon unnecessary. It's becoming a fad, soon to be quickly discarded like an old pair of Uggs or anything made by A&F in our fast-paced society

One might say that, in the face of this, Valentine's Day becomes more important. I say the opposite. I think it's important to treat Valentine's Day a little more like any other day. Why? Because it's easy for Valentine's Day to simply remind us that we are not alone and that someone loves us. In the cold, consumerist, sex-and-image driven society we live in, that's the fast and easy way to pay homage to relationships and love. That's the cheap emotional cue of the "holiday" - the thing that American Greetings and Whitman's Candy wants you to buy into. No real thought. No real investment. Introspection takes place quickly in a tacky greeting card overwrought with flowers and birds and pink on the cover - all for 3.99. No irony there that, after a few weeks, it gets thrown away by most. And let's not forget - flowers die and chocolates make us fat.

Instead, it's much harder to use Valentine's Day to remind us that some of us of where we came from, and how that compares to being in a relationship or love. To step back, by yourself, and remember what being "alone" is like and that it is natural state of things. In this remembrance of the "State of Alone," we can then have perspective on what it's like to be "with someone." The comparison should allow one to see how much they have changed as people, to accommodate that other special person in their life. It should allow them to see and value how much of an investment they have made in another person, and which has been made in them. After all, relationships and love require investments of time and psychic energy. That love is also a "verb," as well as a "noun" - relationships can be hard work. Only after this personal introspection can someone sit down with their loved one and decide what type of celebration best reflects their love. It may indeed be a grand supper and tons of balloons, but I'd bet that it's closer to a quiet supper and a gentle kiss and hug, with a decision to ensure that more days other than Valentine's Day include small reminders and displays of affection and love.

So on Valentine's Day, it shouldn't be about celebrating love in some grandiose manner, but about preparing to recommit yourselves to celebrating that love year round. First, by meditating alone, and then with your loved ones in ways that aren't stereotyped for the day and instead have real meaning to each other. And instead of squeezing a whole year's worth of love into one huge display on one day (and failing and annoying the "rest of us" in the process), one can spread it out a bit more and express it a little more substantively and sanely (and less annoyingly).

In closing, I am against a perverted, shallow, consumerist "holiday," and the segregation and bullying of those who can't or don't participate in a giant, lovely delusion. But I am not anti-Valentine's Day. But I think the day, as it currently stands, is bad for relationships, bad for love, and not particularly good for anything or anyone else (unless you're a candy or greeting card corporation). I think it has to change, or else it runs the risk of becoming like most other things Generation X, Y and Me grow tired of: discarded and forgotten. That's what happens when a tradition becomes a fad. However, this particular fad may have more of a repercussion when discarded: love (that closely related concept) risks becoming discarded as well. Love, already an endangered idea in an impatient, sex-driven culture, is already on the run. The fading and eventual loss of Valentine's Day may just be the final nail in the coffin.

So, I want to be clear here: while I am not anti-Valentines Day, I am now largely anti-love. I don't know that it has a place in my life at the moment. My desire for it is pretty low, and I feel as if I might be able to do without it. I think it would be a horrible distraction to a lot of other things I want to do with my life. Also, while I find a lot of men attractive and interesting, I don't see a lot of romance and passion from them - so why bother? If I'm already not that excitable, that is going to make it so much harder. And, by the way, I lied just a moment ago: I don't find a lot of men attractive or interesting. I'm actually quite unimpressed with most of them. But I felt like I had to throw a bone there before some people (like anyone reads this blog) get upset.

Yes, I know I'm no prize catch, but I'm pretty content with me. I guess you could say I'm beginning a new love affair with myself. So love is pretty much out of the question for me, because I feel like I'd have to break up with myself. And I know me: it would be a messy and dramatic breakup.

But I think do think love is good for others, and therefore I'd hate to see it go. It makes the rest of the people in this world considerably more tolerable - they seem to smile more, relax, and have more fun when they know someone is there for them. And if they need that to make themselves less annoying to me, I'm good with that, even if I choose not to participate.

So I think changing Valentine's Day into something more substantive will help revive love's appeal to new generations. So I raise a flag and draw a line for a fight that is not my own. For the lovers out there, and those of us who tolerate them, I say this:

"Save Valentine's Day - End the Red Tyranny."

As for me, I choose to remain single and free. I defy any man to attempt to claim me, because he will fail. My heart is unwinnable, because it already belongs to me. I am the only person I want. And on this Valentine's Day, I will meditate on how lucky I am to be alone, and then I will think about the wonderful relationship I have with myself. After that, I will take myself out for a nice meal, maybe buy myself a nice gift and give it to myself at dinner. Then I'll go out and buy myself a few drinks. Afterwards, I will take myself back for some hot, lustful, drunk sex - possibly with myself, but I won't rule out getting a little kinky and bringing another person in for Valentine's Day.

But, as soon as I'm finished, he's out of there. And he's not spending the night. Period.