Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

In a hypothetical fight between aluminum foil and plastic wrap, which do you think would win? I personally am an aluminum foil man for a variety of reasons. If you don't mind, I think I'll share with you just a collection of the myriad of reasons why.

First, it's easy to mould to the opening of whatever container I am missing a lid for (hence why Ziplock disposable containers don't have a dog in this fight). Plus, it holds it's shape really well. If you have an oddly shaped food, such as a 20 pound turkey or cake shaped like the Empire State Building, you can sculpt a custom shaped protective shell which shall protect against bacteria and viruses of all types. And accidental roommate food incursions, such as an errant drumstick which attempts to roll off a plate and into your jello mold, will be repelled back instantly.

In addition, it's useful for cooking things - such as wrapping corn when baking it in the oven, or lining a cookie sheet when making french fries. Or covering a lovely mulligatawny casserole. And it doesn't even get HOT when you cook with it. 'Tis truly the DEVIL'S magic at work there! 'Tis!

Plus, it's really cool to make hats and other awesome men's wear with. I once made a whole suit-of-armor - complete with viking hat and battle axe - from Reynold's Wrap. Um, like, when I was a kid, not recently. Yeah. That's right! When I was a kid. And no pillow fort was involved.

But it does have its drawbacks. I'm not sure why, but while it does hold its shape, it doesn't stiffen up enough to remain in place. When you cover a bowl or plate, and put it in the fridge, it looks like the foil is securely in place. Yet, if you put something next to it that even grazes the foil, it flies off - with the food covered wet and sticky side plastered to the floor. Very annoying.

Plus, there is something about touching aluminum foil. It's light, but it's metal. It crumbles in your hand. And the noise it makes when you play with it - it kind of sounds like a rapier being waved around in the wind. It produces the same shivers that fingernails on a chalkboard does. And have you ever accidentally missed a piece of foil in some food and taken a little nibble?!? YIKES!

Oh, and for your Al Gore types out there: apparently, aluminum foil is recyclable! I mean, I already use the foil from baking my fries to cover them up in the fridge, but this is beyond that. You can actually take discarded foil and make it into other stuff! Wow! I didn't know that, as I have been throwing it away - and probably poisoning a lake or something in the process, or strangling some kind of fish. Wait, that's not right. Can a carp get tangled up in a discarded viking hat made up of foil wrap? Or is that those plastic six-pack rings? I dunno. I'm not a tree hugger.

Plastic wrap has its proponents, I'm sure. I'm all for the fact that it clings to the outside of a container, creating a nearly unbreakable hermetic static seal preventing air from entering and liquids, foods, and mushes of all kinds from escaping. This means that when I put something NEXT to the plastic covered bowl, the wrap doesn't fly off. I also think plastic wrap does a better job of preventing smells from escaping, especially helpful around shrimp taco night.

But here's where it loses me. For one thing, once plastic wrap gets caught up in itself, it's a lost cause. We've all been there. We're trying to rip off one decent sized piece of wrap, and we pull against that damn serrated edge on the box and it does nothing. Well, nothing except bunch up the wrap and give us a nice deep cut on our finger. So we just end up ripping the damn stuff in no particular shape or size, usually coming up just a bit short of what we need. So we have to go through the whole thing again, complete with re-bunching and re-cutting.

And, apparently, plastic wrap isn't recyclable. Again, not that I care, but because its a petroleum based product, it is not easily broken down. Then again, come to think of it, is it really wise to be covering your food in a product made from the same chemical base as gasoline? Hmm...

So, that's why if I had to choose who to put my money on in a kitchen product battle royale, I'd put it on aluminum foil. "It's the easy way to save money while keeping your kitchen clean," per the Reynold's Wrap company. It's great for making Viking hats AND corn-on-the-cob!

Obama uses aluminum foil; his daughter Sasha was born on a bed of it and she's probably going to be a doctor or president or castmember on Jersey Shore or something. Air Force One is made of aluminum foil, and look how that plane kicked ass in the Harrison Ford movie.

Aluminum foil is also the way of the future and way to salvation. God wants you to use aluminum foil. Aluminum foil is the way all god fearing American's should live, if they plan on going to heaven. Like I've always said, it's all about the God, the Gays, the Guns, and the aluminum foil.

(I've always said that. You can look it up. Go ahead. No, Sarah Palin didn't say it. Shut up!)

And, not to sway you or anything, but Al Qaida probably uses plastic wrap. And we're living in an Code Orange era, people. We're talking terrorism! Right now, Osama Bin Laden is in a cave somewhere performing some perverse masturbatory ritual on himself with plastic wrap. Probably something involving asphyxiation and tying his beard in a knot! Yep, that's right. Terrorism, folks. You're inviting terrorism into our country and into our homes if you use plastic wrap. For God's sake, think of the children.

In closing, I think we all know what I'm really trying to say here. And if you're not sure, then I can't tell you. But I like to think I've given you a little something to think about today. And that what I've imparted to you has improved you as a human being, and added to your being in an organic and holistic manner.

If you come away with nothing else today, remember this: Vote Yes on Tuesday for Aluminum Foil, and No on Plastic Wrap. And, as usual, ignore the third party running for office - wax paper. No one knows what the hell that shit is for.

Where was I going with this? I think I need a nap. I think I blew a gasket after hour 20 studying for an exam. G'night.

*Note: This blog is copyright property of Boltco, now a wholly owned subsidiary of Reynolds Consumer Products.*