I just can't resist...John Mayer.

First off, I apologize for my absence. I'm working on a blog post about snowmaggedon as we speak. But suffice it to say that I've had 3 days off work, will have a half day tomorrow, and I mostly sat on my ass and caught up on stuff.

Now, on to bigger fish to fry. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you John Mayer - douchebag supreme.

I'm going to skip over the fact that he used the "n" word in the interview, talking about how he may or may not be "street" enough to have a "hood pass." You know, because he's a pale-white mainstream babyfaced male rocker, and you know how the brothas love them.

I'm going to skip over the fact that, in one interview, he manages to make himself some kind of sexual god because he bagged Jessica Simpson - the sexual leavings of Nick Lachey and Tony Romo. Don't get me wrong, Jess is pretty, but she lost me at "Chicken of the Sea." She doesn't exactly strike me as a hard lay to land.

I'm also going to skip over the fact that he clearly has an addiction to porn, saying that he sees over 300 vaginas before he finds one to pop one off to - and THEN chooses to fantasize about past relationships because current vaginas and girlfriends don't satisfy him. Talk about a waste of time.

I'm also not going to talk about how, in the same interview, he then casts himself as soulful and intellectualizing, taking the time to brag about how much he loves talking all night with a girl only to have her experience an epiphany about him, saying "boy, I never thought I was going to like you so much."

No, I'm not going to talk about all these affronts to the sensibility.

Instead, I'm going to share this snippet with you, and then send a link over if you are a glutton for punishment and want to take a closer look. It's John Mayer talking about Jennifer Aniston - she of the "Friendly Following." America's new sweetheart (after Meg Ryan went crazy with the lip injections). She, of the interminably bad taste in men (John Mayer, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn), who braves on.

From John's stupid mouth:

"PLAYBOY: You’ve rarely talked about Aniston. She has rarely talked about you.

MAYER: We just have a regard for each other’s feelings that is pretty intense. It’s been a deep relationship, and it’s no longer taking place at all. Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?

PLAYBOY: Did you send Aniston a copy of the CD after it was done?

MAYER: No.

PLAYBOY: Maybe she’ll download it from BitTorrent.

MAYER: If Jennifer Aniston knows how to use BitTorrent I’ll eat my fucking shoe. One of the most significant differences between us was that I was tweeting. There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, “These are the new rules.”

PLAYBOY: You mean the rules of celebrity have changed since Friends made her a star?

MAYER: I said, “Tom Cruise put on a fat suit.” That pretty much sums up the past decade: Tom Cruise with a comb-over, dancing to Flo Rida in Tropic Thunder. And the world went, “Welcome back, Tom Cruise.”

PLAYBOY: What’s the moral there?

MAYER: You have to show that you don’t take yourself seriously. Once you do that, people will say you’re cool: “You know what? I gotta say I never liked him until he made fun of himself, and now I like him.”

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me."

Here's the link: Playboy Interview.

Just after that, he makes his little mistake regarding the "n" word that got him into trouble. But as you can see, he was really on a roll before that. Maybe his riff on life was like an ice cream sundae (no pun intended). He just kept piling on scoop after scoop of bullshit, and then added on some yummy word toppings. He added some nuts (misogyny), strawberry syrup (false angst), caramel sauce (ageism), and then whipped cream (pervy jerk off talk). And then, sensing that his pile of true verbal diarrhea fashioned as pop culture creaminess was not quite complete, had to top it off with a racial slur. I mean, when all you can do is talk and talk, saying dumber and dumber things to get attention, what else could you do? Talk about puppies?

I guess the interview speaks for itself, but I want to say one thing before I let you stab your own eyes out reading it. If John Mayer sees the world as those who KNOW how to use BitTorrent and Twitter, and those who do not, he's in for a surprise. If he also sees the world as those who cater to the new TMZ/Perez Hilton/celebutante culture, and those who do not, he's in for a BIG surprise. And if the reason he dumped Jennifer Aniston was because her success came at a time when modes of media were more direct and mainstream, and less viral, then he's in for an even BIGGER surprise.

The surprise, you ask? Well, he thinks these are "The New Rules" for living in today's age. He thinks Aniston desperately wants to go back to 1998, to relive some level of fame or success that she had at the supposed height of her career. And while that's just so arrogant and assumptive on his part, it's also telling more about him than Aniston. It says that he doesn't define himself as a person, but instead defines himself how enshrined in today's "celeb-retardation" and "hyperactivity/frenzy" he can make himself. He's confusing "The New Rules" for achieving fame - which are really just rules for gaining attention while participating in self-indulgence all without taking real personal risk - as opposed to rules for living an authentic life.

The surprise is this: for someone who wants love and a relationship and a "vagina to pitch a tent under" (shudder), he doesn't have the personality for it. And he doesn't even realize it. When someone makes a decision to end a relationship because the substantive quality of their fame is pre-Twitter, that signifies a pure immaturity and mistaken lifestyle that may be too much for him to overcome or for anyone with an intellect to stand. What's sadder? I think he thinks all his bullshit is really smart, but the truth is - it's no different than a child coming up with reasons why the spilt milk isn't his fault. No perspective.

I don't know about you, but the guy is clearly pretty much only good for a lay. He's hot, has nice tattoos, and I'm sure he probably has some really great moves in bed he's perfected (he seems like the type who would do that). He practically SCREAMS "himbo!"

But as far as more? Even I would dump him after the first few go around's. Of course, I might snag a couple nice vacations and some cool swag first. Maybe get him to buy me a nice car, maybe a condo. But dump him I definitely would, probably just as Aniston did. It's nice she tried to teach him a few of the lessons she's learned in life, but clearly he needs a lesson in humility that neither of us would have the patience to teach. But damn, he's pretty to look at - so why not enjoy, eh Jen?

Anyway, to close this out, here's a picture of Mayer showing that it's entirely possible that I will get my chance to dump him. If this doesn't belie some type of homosexuality, I don't know what does. Enjoy!