The Rules Before The Relationship

Around this time of year, people really start acting a fool when it comes to guys, dating, and relationships. The spectre of Valentine’s Day, I suppose. Personally, my drive toward any of the three is at an all-time low – and I feel released from their pursuit. I couldn’t tell you where this psychic release came from. It could be the resolution of some long-standing family issues; or that I have a lot of interesting things going on in my life that are keeping my attention. It’s also possible that nothing jumps out at me as either terribly impressive or a good fit for me, in terms of dating or men. My sex drive has even waned a bit – just a bit – as a result. I just don’t see a point in pursuing it if it’s going to be mediocre or ordinary. Whatever the circumstances which have brought me to this state of mind, I feel as if I’ve transcended to the point where I’m pleased to leave it all behind.

At this moment, I’d rather focus on work and school, spending time with friends, and doing those unique things I enjoy on an individual basis. I have a number of intellectual, spiritual, and physical pursuits I have re-embraced. I certainly enjoy the freedom of using time as I see fit or spending money with little thought to the needs of others. Indeed, I’ve even been known to waste a little of both time and money on myself lately. One may call this self-centered, but I’d rather look at it like this: “making a long term commitment of time, energy, and funds in someone I feel a total rapport and love for - me.” It feels wonderful to just focus on what I really want for a change. I don’t want to end this commitment anytime soon, and I feel very happy about that. It’s quite a blissful state of being.

In all this, a new perspective has occurred to me that I thought I would share. In my bliss and transcendence, an odd kind of societal separation has allowed me to look at what I believe the normative view on guys, dating, and relationships is – and tease out some good and bad practices from that. Some of these views I have held for awhile, while others just recently occurred to me; all came together just recently. I standardized and cutely named them “The Rules Before The Relationship.” Of course, I’m no expert on love, dating, or sex – these are just observations and musings. If you’re not completely annoyed with me yet, I invite you to read on.


"The Rules Before The Relationship."

1. Don’t be needy or desperate.

Human beings just don’t respond well to stifling need or desperation. It signals the introduction of added stress to our own lives when someone we’re involved with can’t take care of either, and human nature is to conserve energy and reduce stress. So we don’t like either, and have a tendency to keep such people away. Plus, it's not a very attractive quality; we appreciate strength most of the time and weakness only when necessary. We often know we are being needy and acting desperate with someone, because find ourselves trying too hard. We make one too many phone calls or text messages. We even have a few moments where we think we should stop, but we're so caught up in fulfilling our emotional pit we keep going. But a lot of us then rationalize our overwhelming behavior, thinking that if the person wanted us to stop they would tell us.

So, STOP. Never get to the point where someone has to tell you to stop an otherwise positive behavior because you're overdoing it. If you get that feeling you're overdoing it, that's the moment you need to put the phone down and give it a rest for awhile.

Word of warning, though: there exist those who disguise need or desperation by being “too nice,” “too understanding,” and “too eager.” These "sensitive" guys cry foul when they are quickly ditched or taken advantage of. But to those people: quit playing the martyr role and get real about your neediness and desperation, too. In this case, it leads to the "need to please" - which also stinks of a lack of self-respect. It is entirely possible to be strong and sensitive at the same time, but this is not the path to do so.

To combat this, don’t sacrifice your needs and wants for another person’s until you’re in a committed relationship. If your lives don’t match up – or they aren’t willing to compromise without pushing, cajoling, or a fight – drop it. Whatever the cause, their lack of compatibility or flexibility doesn’t allow for more than a passing fancy. In addition, consider spending time figuring out where your need and desperation come from and resolving that, or the issues may play major parts in your relationships throughout your life.

2. Listen to what he is telling you directly.

If he is telling you something serious about his philosophy on life, the future, or relationships, it means he took the time to think and concretize it to the point of being able to verbalize it to you. And for men, this is something rare. Whether he actually lives that way or just talks a good game, it probably represents what he idealizes and what he wishes his life were about.

Can you flow with what he’s saying? If not, don’t change or compromise, or convince yourself he can be changed – because that requires a shift in core values and personality that will likely never hold and lead to frustration. However, if you have flow with him…

3. …then do your homework.

What are the red flags? What are the issues of friction that pop up? Are there things about the person you just can’t compromise on or accept? People usually put their best face forward at the beginning without knowing it. So listen closely for the little things they say or the slips of the tongue, watch how they present themselves in public, and observe how they behave with their friends. There are hints to be gathered throughout these “social testing” situations. Take them seriously.

4. Stay in the moment and limit preconceptions.

Be unabashedly you, so the person can get a feel for you. In return, enjoy learning about the person in front of you in the here and now, doing whatever activities you both enjoy. Take pleasure in whatever the extent of your interactions, whether they comprise your first meeting or first anniversary together.

5. Severely restrict asking where the relationship is going; instead, take your cues from the signals you receive.

If there is something new you want in the relationship – a kiss, sex, date exclusively, and so on – look for cues. If notice positive ones, send out some artful and reserved cues of your own. If they are well received, then go for the next step. Only ask where the relationship is going if you're ready to commit to something long-term and monogamous, and you strongly suspect they are as well.

Also, severely limit expectations and thoughts for the far-off future, especially early on. Instead, reserve that for after the rare occasion you both agree to enter a long-term monogamous relationship, then have to decide on buying a house, having kids, and joint funeral plots. But not before. It’s a waste of time, puts pressure on the relationship to leave up to expectations, and makes the relationship a huge downer if the future plans don’t materialize – as they often don’t.

6. Certainly don’t dwell on the past.

Life’s past wrongs and relationships do leave marks, but informing a person about bad life circumstances and patterns from old relationships won’t prevent the same things from happening again. And depending on the other person or the relationship, it could just make you a target for the same or similar patterns to repeat. So keep the past to yourself unless it becomes necessary or proper to share it. The rule here? Have fun instead!

7. If you can’t prevent yourself from dwelling on the past, work on whatever issues are preventing you from doing so before looking for new dating relationships.

New relationships, if they go wrong, can create new mental wounds – or exacerbate old ones you don’t allow to heal first. These multiple open wounds can come together to complicate other areas of your life besides dating, with unwanted results – including negative personality shifts, unwanted social phobias, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse and other addictions. Perhaps most importantly, these issues can unknowingly influence your attitudes about dating and relationships, helping to establish negative patterns and alter existing and good ones for the worse. Work on your issues before moving on to someone else, for your own sake and theirs.

8. Create an honest, understanding, and respectful atmosphere from the start.

If you get the feeling they aren’t into it anymore, let them know that if it’s not working out for them, you’re approachable and they can just say so. State clearly that you won’t freak out or do anything rash. If they decide they want to move on, let them go without a fuss. Do not break into their house and their clothes out a window of any sort, and do not send 16 pizzas to their house on a lonely Saturday night.

On the flipside, don’t beg them to reconsider. Never say “I’ll do anything,” and don’t offer to change. Why? See rule number 1. The relationship is over. All your neediness will do is push a relationship coming to an inevitable close towards a more uncomfortable end, and possibly tarnishing your public reputation and self-image to boot. Remember: this person has friends, and they could start talking about YOU. Chances are, they already were before the relationship ended and it will only intensify for a short period. Don't give them fodder.

9. On the same note, be willing to tell the person it’s not working out or you’re not interested, regardless of how they may react. Hopefully, they will be classy about the situation and respond positively and respectfully, and you can maintain whatever type of relationship you both agree is best.

If not, and things turn negative or creepy, end it quickly and respectfully – and then don’t look back. Their anger may be inflamed, and if they are not in control of their behavior and actions, can lead to cover, overt, or indirect retaliation that you don’t need in your life. A quick and firm ending without drama on your part will help reduce this. If all goes well, none of your clothes will be thrown out a window and you will receive no falsely ordered pizzas on a Saturday evening. Or, at least, much less of both than normal.

10. Whatever you do, don't ask or answer the "what's wrong with me/him" question.

This rule is, perhaps, the most important rule of all. Occasionally, you may come across someone who wants to do a post-mortem on the relationship, date, or what have you. It's not enough that it's over; he has to know "Why? What's wrong with me?" He believes that he is the cause. Furthermore, he won't stop hounding you until you tell him, and he promises he won't be upset.

That's a lie. He will be upset, and your answer will extend his bad feelings by several years, and increase his blood pressure by several points. It will also make it more likely that the response he requested will be twisted into this malicious retelling to all his friend, "and out of the blue, he called me (insert characteristic here)." And your clothes will end up out a window, and you will still end up with pizzas - random ones delivered to your door for several years perhaps.

So practice this response, and then say it firmly: "I don't think anything good can come of that, and I don't think I'm the person who should point out your flaws. That's really something you should ask of your friends and family. And please don't ask me again, or I'll have to leave." And if he asks again, don't play into it - leave.

The person asking already has a good idea of his flaws, and doesn't need you to tell them. He likely has issues with self-acceptance, and is just going to use your break-up coupled with your criticism as outside evidence that he is "not being good enough". For some, this might spur positive change, but for many it makes the person feel marginalized and unacceptable - even if the "flaw" is just a matter of personal taste on your part.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this treatment, end it quickly. If you are the one giving it, cut yourself (and him) a break. The last thing you need to hear from someone who just broke up with you is the answer to "what's wrong with me?" Besides, you likely know your own flaws. Asking these questions to which you are not prepared for the answers are just going to make you feel worse about yourself - and that goes to the heart of the real problem: your self-esteem. So, be kind to yourself, and don't ask.

11. Finally, if you have difficulty maintaining a friendship or gracious acquaintanceship, begin to change or lessen your interactions with that person until you are able.

Be willing to eliminate direct interaction altogether. In addition, consider discarding items that remind you of him in order to move past the situation – this may includes phone numbers, articles of clothing, pictures, and the like. If the person is a friend on a social networking site like Facebook or MySpace, consider “de-friending” to prevent yourself from sending or receiving a constant flow of information about each other’s life – and new relationships. These may not be necessary, but if you are having difficulty ending the association, it may be necessary.

Whatever you do, if you are experiencing difficulty moving past the relationship, do not contact the person. Instead, take some time – alone – to review the relationship, develop your own understanding, and put it into perspective for the future. After awhile, you should be able to move on.

---END RULES---

No matter what happens in life, you’ll always have yourself. No one will ever understand you or know your needs as well as you do for yourself – no matter how romantic humanity’s poets have gotten about love’s ability to create “mind-reading” and “soul-sharing.” Simply put, because we are all unique individuals, what we experience in life and how our minds perceive those events are just as individual. And without some way to directly view the content's of one's mind, these thoughts are unknowable.

Further, anything even approaching that level of deep communication and interdependency takes a lot of hard work. The majority of guys, dating, and relationships we’ll experience in our lives simply cannot be worth that level of energy or frustration we might invest. And, though difficult for some to accept, for the vast majority of us no man will ever rise to that level.

Of course, we would be exhausted if we invested fully in all the guys we found attractive in our lifetimes. But most of us will never find out anyway, as we aren’t ready or willing to invest that kind of energy and hard work in dating or relationships, and we may never be. What’s more, we have to start knowing that about ourselves so as to reduce the negative impact of romantic waywardness on ourselves and others.

I firmly believe a more balanced and pragmatic approach to dating and men could help everyone, and that is why I have offered “The Rules Before The Relationship” that you see above. These are not the rules that I have necessarily followed, nor are they the ones I ascribe to. But they are essentially just "good ideas" that from my perspective outside the dating game seem overlooked, ignored, or forgotten. In some cases, because we're often caught up in the drama of our social world without thinking about our behavior, perhaps these are ideas that some of us never come to realize. In essence, they just seem like good “rules of the road” worth sharing.

In closing, and in the spirit of these rules, I implore you: keep it cool and keep it rational. Keep your eyes open and keep two feet on the ground. And, above all else, be willing to be let go and be alone. Alone is how you came in this world and quite possibly how you will go out. Besides, a poor relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with is no substitute for integrity, inner peace, and tranquility with yourself. On face validity, that is an idea we should all be able to accept and appreciate.