On cooking

Of the four things I wanted to write about this evening, I felt that the subject of cooking was probably the least likely to offend anyone or require too much effort. The four original subjects were "family," "music," and "nighttime." I think "nighttime" might be my next entry; it seems to be the next subject least likely to frustrate me.

Tonight, I'm cooking. Well, at least, my version of cooking. I'm opening up a bag of shrimp linguine from Giant Eagle and "assembling" it for the microwave and, eventually, my tummy. This isn't really cooking, of course - but maybe this is what cooking can be considered in the new millenium.

It's a far cry from Back to the Future II, when Marty McFly's family simply took a tiny little dehydrated pizza and put it in a Black and Decker food hydrator and had a full large pizza in less than 5 seconds. WITH half the pizza cheese and the other half pepperoni, thank you very much. Where is that future, I ask you? Where is a future where I don't have to assemble food - I can just add a water molecule and get some mushroom and onion pizza? What kind of world do we live in?

So my exclamation for such a future lies in the fact that I don't really know how to cook. This is something my family never really taught me. I remember asking my mother once if we had any family recipes, and she said "no." I pushed her on the subject, and she said "swiss steak" or some such thing. The funny thing is that my mom knows how to cook all kinds of things (she doesn't do it all the time). She says she learned it from Home Economics when she was a kid. I remember Home Ec (everyone was required to take it at my junior high - even the boys. I hated Home Ec). I remember sewing a pillow with the letter "J," was taught how to bake a cake out of a box, and was stabbed first with a long needle and then with a pencil by the crazy girl who sat at my table who didn't like the way my "J" pillow looked (still have the scar from that nutjob.) That was it. All skills that, of course, I don't use today. No one taught us how to prepare a full ham dinner with desserts and gravies and sides in that class - but she knows all the steps to making such a meal. My Home Ec experience and hers could not have been more different. So I feel Home Ec is not where she learned all this. I feel she is withholding.

Plus, I remember when I was a kid, my grandmother used to make all kinds of good stuff at the holidays. Granted, again, none of it was necessarily made from "scratch" but it was pretty close. Tasty, too. Like Ambrosia, for instance. I don't know what Ambrosia is - and I don't like it. I kind of feel like its the same stuff they use to smother fires out with. But she knew how to make that stuff, and people ate it and liked it. Where did she learn this? I also remember one of my aunt's making popcorn balls. I remember asking how they made them, and was told "Ask your mom; she's made them before." Honestly, I don't ever recall her making them. Maybe she hates them - but apparently she knows how to do it.

My family was really big on fast-food and packaged stuff, and didn't pay too much attention to nutrition. I'm more conscientious about those things (to a degree). So I've mostly been on my own in the cooking realm, figuring things out, since I was about 10 or 11. I've managed okay, but...lol...it's been hit-or-miss.

Hit: I learned how to make really good and healthy flatbread pizza.

Miss: Likely gave myself food poisoning thawing and then rethawing a chicken. Didn't know that was possible. Still am not completely sure that it was the chicken - although the nauseating effect of the leftovers lead me to believe it was.

Hit: I learned how to make turkey meatloaf. It's pretty good. (I love meatloaf for some reason - my mom makes a good one, but she says she doesn't have a recipe she follows.) I put it together with some vegetables and a baked potato, and it's a pretty tasty meal that is packed with protein but still light.

Miss: The first time I made turkey meatloaf, it was too runny and overflowed and set our oven on fire. I had to call the fire department. Picture it: 13 or 14 year old me, surrounded by 5 or 6 firemen, all of them laughing at my sad ass pan of blackened meatloaf. I wouldn't have called them, but there were a few flashes of fire and I thought it was the safe thing to do. Note to me: check fire extinguisher.

Hit: I make amazing omelettes - you name the filling, I can make you an out of this world omelette. I don't know where I picked up this little skill, as it doesn't come from my family. I recall making one when I was, like, 16 or 17 and thinking I happened to be good at it. Then I started to fiddle with it more just out of fun. In all honesty, I think the motivation came from deciding that I wanted some kind of "breakfast" skill to serve guests who happened to stay over. Seemed like a nice thing to do. But before you start branding me a player, I haven't trotted that skill out an awful lot. Very few have gotten an omelette. lol.

Miss: I set my hair on fire cooking pancakes once. No, really. I was like 10 or 11, or something like that. I'm not sure it was so much my cooking skills, as much as a faulty pilot, but never put your face too close to a gas burner when checking the flame. The crappy thing is that I like pancakes, but I don't make them anymore because of this. In general, I don't eat breakfast food (other than cereal), but my favorite one is pancakes. I'll order them when I happen to end up at an Eat N' Park or Denny's. But just a short stack - because I can't help but laugh and shudder at the thought of a patch of my bangs going missing just to make some. After the short stack, I'm usually set on pancakes (and memories) for awhile.

Hit: I make amazing oatmeal walnut chocolate chip cookies. You can really only eat just one (maybe two) of them, but one is all you need 'cuz they are pretty awesome.

Miss: So, I like chocolate. The darker the better. I dig a chocolate chunk cookie, a dark chocolate brownie, or a small piece of dense chocolate cheesecake - every once in awhile. But I guess my favorite is a piece of thick, dense chocolate cake. I guess that would be a called a torte? I'm not sure. Anyway, I think I was 15 or 16, and it was my birthday so I thought I would make a cake and see how it turned out. I thought it would be cool to try making it from scratch, instead of the fluffy kind of cake from the Betty Crocker box. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I think I made the mistake of using Baking Soda instead of Baking Powder. Needless to say, the cake was not a success. Kind of like licking a chocolaty shag rug or something, as I recall. Gross.

So, that's a brief history of my cooking experiences. Before you think I am some kind of spaz, I'd like you to note that most of these experiences were when I was pretty young, and you have to give me credit for keeping at it. I guess I wasn't really one to be discouraged by a little fire and smoke. And I can say that I've gotten better the last few years, and most of what I make turns out pretty good actually. I haven't made myself sick in a very long time, and I've never made anyone else sick. I haven't set anything on fire in a long time. Of course, I still would like a few solid recipes to whip out if I needed to, other than my omelette. ;) But you gotta pick your battles, I guess. Maybe someday I'll learn. lol.

So cooking probably isn't my thing for now, but I'm much better at other things. And if I'm good at those things, I can always use the proceeds or time created as a byproduct to just buy meals and desserts, which can always be just as impressive (and tasty) for myself or others. But, in the meantime, other than allowing someone more experienced, knowledgable, and less accident prone to handle the cooking (i.e., a chef at a restaurant), perhaps the Giant Eagle bag of linguine is the safest thing for me.

Okay, post done. Doesn't make sense. But it's something. Later.

- J